Dear Sissy,
It’s crazy to think that my entire childhood you were my idol. Like in every way, shape and form. I remember thinking how I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. You were the coolest and most beautiful person I knew. All the pretty make up, the hip music, the car rides, the movies, the memories… all seem like a made up dream now. I grew up and realized that I didn’t actually know you at all.

Mom was never mentally stable during my childhood. That is the harsh truth. We both know that she struggled, even when she didn’t realize that she was. I know your childhood wasn’t the best either, but at least you had our brother to lean on. I was alone growing up, and that’s why I looked up to you so much. You were my escape from the hell at home.

When I became a teenager, you became a wife and mommy. I cannot express the pride that I felt in you! You had always taken such amazing care of me, I couldn’t wait to see you mothering your own children! Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. It was at this point that you started pushing me away. I didn’t understand why at the time, and tried very hard to act grown and “cool” so that you would still make time for me in your busy life. You just had no space for me anymore.

I realize now as an adult that you had dealt with a lot as a mom and a wife. As a mother and wife myself now, I have a new perspective on dealing with infidelity, abuse, and the like. I don’t know your whole story because you decided I wasn’t privy to any parts of your life anymore. I do know how I lost myself amidst my marriage and working through the infidelity issues. It was not easy. I got myself back up though, no thanks to you. I would have proudly and lovingly held your hand if you had asked though. I never stopped loving you.

When mom got sick, I felt like I was in a fucking twilight zone. I was a sophomore in high school when mom started showing signs of her disease, only she thought it was because a pallet jack hit her feet at work. I went with her to doctor after doctor to try to find out why the hell she wasn’t getting better. Her ability to walk was dwindling, but I wasn’t afraid. I figured we would get to the bottom of it and she’d be fine. Either that, or she would require more help, which I was readily prepared to do. You weren’t able to do it because you had your whole life in order and you had too many responsibilities for the care she did need. That’s okay. I wanted every moment I could get with her. As much as we butted heads, I loved her fiercely and I felt it was my duty to care for her. I was her child and it was my job to take care of her as she had for me.

Thankfully for her sake, it didn’t take long to take its toll. ALS is no joke, as we both found out. I was pissed I was the only one who didn’t know. I understand you all were looking out for me, but that wasn’t fair to only have about two months to digest that she actually was fucking dying. I learned the truth when I had to be the one there to call 9-1-1 as she gasped for me to “Call the ambulance!” The doctor mocked me when I said I had no idea what he was talking about when he ever so matter-of-factly informed me, “Your mother is dying, Emily. She has ALS and she is going to die.” I found out about a week later that literally everyone in my life knew the truth for months. Everyone knew but me! How do you think that made me feel.

Then the inevitable day came… August 9, 2005. I was awoken by the home nurse at 8:03am telling me that mom was dying and I needed to get up and say my goodbyes. I called you and told you that mom was actively dying and you needed to come now if you were going to say your goodbyes. I can only imagine your drive there… or the emotions you felt on the three hour drive to say goodbye to your mother. I am so sorry you had to go through that alone. I was thankful you were there with me though. I doubt I could have had the strength to get through that without you there with me.

Mom took her last breaths, we said our goodbyes, and they took her away. You stayed a few more hours and went home. Little did I know, the sister that I knew and loved died with mom. You spent the next couple of days committing fraud with her insurance company. Remember when you told me that mom had left me a little bit of money and you wanted it. You literally fucking told me that if I, your 18 year old sister with an infant and an abusive husband, didn’t give you, the 35 year old successful interpreter with a husband who actually had a job, the money from mom’s insurance, that I would no longer be considered your sister. Little did you know, my husband and I had talks about splitting that money with you when we had initially found out there even was money. If you hadn’t acted the way you did, you would have seen what kind of sister I was.

Then after you declared your desire for the money, you and our brother went to the bar together since I wasn’t 21. Before you left that evening, we were in an argument about that stupid money, (a whopping $28,000) and you told me that you used to sit on your knees and beg God for mom to have a miscarriage with me. Then you told me you never wanted a sister. I am sure I told you something unkind, but I literally cannot remember my response because I was in complete shock! You used to come take me for weekends and weeks at a time throughout my childhood… so, what!?

Then you and our brother left. Apparently you devised a whole plan together to do a sweep of mom’s house before you left and take everything you could grab. I couldn’t care less about any of it and I don’t even judge it. Trauma has weird effects on us. But the box. That’s what got me. Mom hand wrote me a note while she was in the hospital telling me to keep her box from England. I still have the note. OF COURSE YOU TOOK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you care for her? Did you take her to appointments and watch her decline? Where were you? Oh yeah, that’s right… too busy wrapped up in your “revenge affair” to worry about mom. But I am the bad guy. Right…

Then… I said I would be the bigger person, despite my 17 year puerile deficit, and I called you on her birthday – October 18, 2005. I had her ashes in my car in a seatbelt. I called you as I made the 3 hour drive down there so I could fulfil her wishes of spreading her ashes over her mother’s grave. I called to invite you because despite mom saying she wanted you nowhere near her ashes, I didn’t think it was right for her to rob you of your closure. You agreed and told me to wait at your house for you until you were off of work. So I did. I sat at your house for hours just waiting for you to get home from work, only to discover the truth. Do you remember? Because I will never, ever forget.

“You’re going to be mad at me, but I took mom’s ashes on my break! We are not doing this without M***!” That’s what you said to me when you got home! I was so excited to just see you, despite the past drama a couple of months prior… I am known to be a pushover and I forgive easily. I just wanted my fucking sister. I had no one to turn to. NO ONE! I needed you, and you cannot fucking tell me you didn’t need me too! I didn’t even understand what was happening! It wasn’t like if you had said, “Not this weekend, Em” than what harm would it have caused me? Yeah, it was sentimental on her birthday, but it was just me doing it that day. You could have said wait on the phone and I would have.

But no. You stole mom. You stole her out of my car and started yelling at me because of the damn money! Then you said we would do it the next weekend when he could be there. So I went home without mom, because you wouldn’t give her back, and I was too chicken-shit to do anything about it… just like the box. You knew that though. You knew I bowed down to you and you stole her! I waited until the next weekend… I began my journey and was an hour and a half into it when you called to tell me that you had spread her without me because you “Didn’t know where to draw the line.” I never even got a chance to say goodbye!!! I didn’t deserve that.

I am not sure at what point you changed into this version of yourself. Maybe it was always there and maybe mom was being truthful when she said that you were not a good person. I know what she did to you with your father situation wasn’t right. You deserved to know who your father was, even if he wanted nothing to do with you. That would have been his loss before, but he isn’t missing anything now.

So here I am, laying it all out there. You go ahead and try and justify your actions. I was eighteen years old! I was still a kid! What threat did I have against you? These are just a few of the hundreds of questions that I have for you that I have just learned to swallow down, because every time I have tried to just be your sister, you have treated me like less than human.

I can sit here and hate you. I have, believe me. I have hid that hatred because family was more important to me than that. You were so important to me! Why couldn’t you see that? From everything I have learned and understand, you just don’t love yourself. So as crazy as mom was, she was right. You can’t love another person if you don’t love yourself.

While I could easily sit here and go on and on about all of the things that occurred between us, I prefer to end it on this note. I will always love you Andrea. I will always cherish the time that I spent with you when I was young. You are the only thing that got me through my childhood. For that I will forever be thankful. I know that you were a busy young woman and you didn’t owe me anything. You never did. You loved me so much that it seemed it was the only constant I felt. Then I didn’t.

I don’t understand your choices. I don’t know why you chose to shut me out of your life. I can’t even comprehend why you wouldn’t want me to be a part of yours and your children’s lives. I never even got to be an aunt to my nephews. I also didn’t deserve that, but more importantly, your boys missed out on having another aunt who could love and support them. But no, like everyone living in my family – I am not worthy of you. PISH POSH!

I am so tired of being angry. I have wasted almost two decades being mad and hurt because of you. The many years of trying to kiss your ass just for you to treat me this way! Our last conversation was enough for me to know that that was the end of us. So with that, I hope you get help for the alcohol. I hope you get help for the mental issues. I will always love you and I will never forget the Sissy I had and loved. I wish you the best.

XOXO
Baby Sister You Never Wanted

PS: Remember when mom sued you for forging her name on your financial aid documents? Funny, must run in the family.
I will see you in court for my box.



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